We All Have The Potential To Creat a Loving, Fulfilling Relationship
by Paul Mauchline

Fairy tales like Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, and Aladdin all tell us that the road to happiness begins by finding a handsome prince or a beautiful princess. We have the idea that living "happily ever after" only can be achieved through a passionate, romantic relationship. From childhood, we hear stories that affirm this idea. This notion grows as we get older, and begin to read romance novels and magazines, and to watch movies and soap operas. There are countless stories and images in our culture of unhappy, lonely people who become more alive and begin to flourish when they finally find their true love. The examples of "happily ever after" that we have read and seen for so many years foster an unconscious belief that a relationship will completely fulfill us. When we finally meet a potential candidate for a relationship, we sometimes fear that this may be our only opportunity to experience love, romance, and true happiness. Although this individual may not be our ideal partner, he or she is better than having no partner at all. At least with a partner, we have a chance to end our story like Cinderella, by living "happily ever after" with another person. Living "happily ever after" with another person is not an impossible dream for any of us to achieve in our life.

While it is unreasonable to expect perfect harmony -- no fights or disagreements, ever -- we all have the potential to live "happily ever after" in the sense of creating and enjoying a loving, fulfilling relationship with another person. To achieve this, you cannot ignore any problems that you have with your partner in the initial stages of your relationship. Sweeping the problems under the carpet will not make them disappear. It is only a matter of time before they will come back to haunt you. Entering a relationship based on the fear of being alone is totally self-destructive. In this type of scenario, an individual will choose to be with just about anybody to fill the void he or she has in life. Desperation for love and romance to fulfill your desires may lead to a future of pain and suffering that could last a lifetime. If you ignore the problems, and allow your fears and insecurities to make your relationship decisions, you inevitably will have to face the consequences of your actions.

What are the consequences? If you have strong fears of being alone and feel only a relationship will make you complete, then I feel it might be time to start taking a long hard look at yourself. The willingness to give up your own values, morals, and interests for the sake of the relationship, in order to keep your partner happy, is in my opinion self-destructive. When you are desperate for a relationship with another, you can fall into a pattern of repeatedly giving up your own needs, until you have no life of your own left. With your energy fixated on your new partner, you become less interested in your own work, have less time for your family and friends, and start to ignore your own interests. The more you give up your own life, the more you lose your sense of self, the more you will need your partner to feel secure and whole. Eventually you will be in a situation where fear and need rule your life. You will be afraid to bring up problems with your partner lest they threaten the relationship that you need, but you will also be unhappy and empty within yourself. This occurs because when you give up your own life and live solely for your partner, you are subordinating your needs to theirs, and are chipping away at your own self-esteem. In my opinion, no relationship is worth this. When your partner comes to expect you to revolve your life totally around his or her life, I feel this definitely is not healthy for you. If you get yourself into this situation, this is a sign that you probably are not ready to be in a relationship. If your complete focus is only on the needs of your partner, you do not love yourself. No one with self-love would give up his or her life for the sake of having a relationship with another person.

Another consequence of not addressing issues at the beginning of the relationship is that you may not get to know your partner at all. When people do not take the time to get to know one another, they risk losing the relationship over time. Precious years go by, and then, all of a sudden, you wake up one morning and ask yourself, "Who the hell is this person lying beside me in bed? Why am I with this person? Why did I marry him/her?" Unfortunately, this not an uncommon situation: so many of us never truly get to know our partners. In the initial, euphoric stage of a relationship, it is not uncommon for people to confuse sexual compatibility with love; you may think your lover is a perfect match, only to find out later that you have nothing in common with your partner besides the chemistry that may fade over time.

This is not a perfect world, nor will it ever become a perfect world. We will always have relationships that will fail, and couples that will divorce one another. I guess what I would like to see is fewer relationship failures and fewer divorces. One failure out of ten marriages, in my mind, is a far more acceptable ratio than the current one out of two. Would you not agree that we would live in a much happier world if this were the case? One out of ten is achievable. One way to achieve this is by changing our "it's broken -- throw it away" mentality. In our society today, if something breaks, we throw it away and buy another one. It seems that we are using this disposable attitude in our relationships: if it is not working, we call it quits and find someone new. Relationships are not cars, or vacuum cleaners, or toasters; they are not disposable. If we took more time, up front, to ascertain whether or not two people are ready for a relationship, and are compatible, then I believe that fewer of us would be in the position of wanting to throw away a relationship. I caution everyone that compatibility is not a guarantee that conflict will never arise: relationships require daily maintenance and effort by both people. Recognize now that love takes a lot of work. It is energy well spent because it takes far more energy to dispose of a relationship and find a new one than it does to keep a current one healthy. By choosing well up front, and by doing the work to keep your relationship healthy, your life and the lives of those you love will be much happier.